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Updated: May 16

Have you ever heard people say “I just want the old me back”. I hear it all the time and my first thought is always “Why?” then my second thought is always thinking “I hate to break it to them, but that will NEVER happen.”


We go through some things in life. Some of us go through things that no one should ever have to go through, but it happens. Before trauma impacts us, we are at our peak of innocence. Now some of us lose this innocence very early, even from birth, and some of us lose this innocence later in life, either way , once that trauma hits ,whether is be something as simple as our mother promising she would take us somewhere and then she never does, to something a bit more complex such as sexual abuse, we still have a sense of Innocence robbed from us, and from there, we are never the same.



Trauma SUCKS. Lets just admit that first and foremost. In no way shape or form am I saying “Yay trauma, you are awesome , lets have more of it!”…No. But, traumatic events pass, the trauma is what lingers. What I have noticed is that one of the key components for trauma to control us, is by us allowing ourselves to have some unrealistic expectation that we are supposed to go back to who we used to be, therefore who we are after our trauma is someone who isn’t okay or someone who is fucked up. I am here to tell you, that is NOT THE CASE. You have never been meant to stay who you were, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not being that person any longer.


Look, let me reframe it this way. Trauma happens right, we cant change the traumas in our life. But who is to say that the trauma only has one avenue or purpose in our life…which is usually seemingly, negative. But what if we get to CHOOSE how the trauma directs us. We don’t get to ever control what others do TO us, but we always get to control what we allow it to do to us, maybe not physically, but always mentally, spiritually and emotionally. What if we reframe how we view trauma, what if we reframe it to take our power back? Wouldn’t that in itself, take away the negative power of trauma? See, when we hear trauma, we think of all the horrible things that come along with that, because we are thinking of all the things trauma took away from us. What if instead we look at all the things trauma taught us and gained us? What if instead of giving the traumatic events the power to withhold our ability to self love, self accept, smile, trust, love and grow … we allowed ourselves to have all those things because of the trauma we endured. What if we allowed our trauma to grow us into everything we didn’t want those who traumatized us to be. If we take the negative power out of the traumatic events that happened to us, and are able to recognize that DESPITE what others tried to take from us, despite what events did to us, we still get to GROW into amazing people. Wouldn’t that help us to see the value we hold in the new creation of us vs suffocating ourselves to try to swim back to who the old us was?


Life is not stagnant. Anything not growing, is dead. Just in the same, anything holding on to what could have been. Isn’t growing.


Listen, you have survived a whole lot. Your trials, obstacles and conquering were never put into your life for you to stay the same person, so stop holding yourself back by trying to get to who you were, and embrace yourself for who you have become. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel like there is something wrong with you because you have evolved into someone new. The beautiful thing about this journey is that we get to take the best and worst pieces of who we were, integrate them and dissect them, add and subtract them, and create the beautiful being we are currently.


You are not who you used to be, you never will be – you are who you are right in this very moment and you will only ever become who you are supposed to be –and that is a beautiful thing.

Be Love and light –

Jaimee






People used to always tell me — JUST LEAVE. Everyone always was trying to tell me how horrible my pimp was —- how he needed to rot in hell. How he needed to die. And I won’t lie — there was a point in my experience — actually a few — that I agreed. I hated him — but loved him at the same time. I condemned him ... I talked badly about him and the horrible things he did or ways he treated me — and I allowed myself to justify the fact that I had done almost the exact same things to other women and girls on the fact I was traumatized or being “forced” when in actuality ... I was not Much different than him.


As obvious as it may seem that he didn’t love me ... in my eyes I knew different. It may have not been loved based on what other normal view of love was ... but for someone who has a twisted and misconstrued view of love from a very young age ... In my world ... we were in love. I would do anything for him ... I had loyalty to him. I had trust in him. I had a friend in him. I laughed with him. I fought with him but I also fought for him. I had his back. I have him everything in me I possibly had. I had faith in him, in our future. To me — it felt like love. And although we had our bad times .. although there was abuse and it wasn’t a traditional relationship — he protected me. He gave me advice. He listened to me. He took care of me. He taught me things. He cared about me to the best of his ability in my

Mind. To me — it was love. From the outside it seems crazy ... but in our lifestyle , in our world — it made sense. So when people said , JUST LEAVE. They weren’t only not thinking of all the obstacles I would face when trying to transition my life —- they also didn’t realize they were asking me to leave a man I depended on greatly, a man I had became co dependent on, a man I had given so much too that I couldn’t see myself living without him. They didn’t understand the trauma bond I had developed, they didn’t understand even a small inkling of the many aspects this life contained.


On top of that, I felt I was damaged goods. Who would love a ho besides a pimp. Who would want me after all the things I had done? Who would understand, who would care about my well being? Who would love me? Why would I wanna start over with anyone who would judge me or leave me once they found out who I was?


People have to think ... often times people who get into the game .. do it because they are seeking something. There’s a vulnerability that exists .. there’s some type of void they need filled whether it be physical, emotional, financial or mental. So when someone comes into your life, especially in a vulnerable time, and offers to fill those voids...most normal human beings would easily fall into a relationship with that person and become attached.


Not to mention , often times those who get into the game have already experienced many traumas already so when a new opportunity comes along as well as someone to make them feel loved and accepted ... the act of sex for money doesn’t seem like the worst option when it’s in exchange for needs being met, a relationship,love, protection, companionship and loyalty.


We can’t expect others minds or perspectives to be the same as ours. We can’t expect people to think what we think is acceptable is acceptable to them and what’s unacceptable to us is unacceptable to them. We are unique individuals all with a diverse spectrum of experience, needs, perspectives, traumas and desires. For us to tell someone what they should be doing or shouldn’t be doing without ever stepping a moment in their shoes, is a huge reason issues like exploitation continue.


Nothing or no one could have convinced me to leave a person I felt loyalty and love too. I had to get to a place that I wasn’t happy within myself, I had to understand that what was going on wasn’t the love I desired. I had to want to be in a different situation for myself, not for anyone else.


My point being, talking badly about someone’s partner ... boyfriend, husband, pimp, wife, abuser, trafficker, whatever you wanna call it .. won’t ever get you anywhere. The focus should never be on how bad the other person is. The focus should always be on the individual you are trying to support and opening up hope for other opportunities.


-Jaimee


Updated: Aug 31, 2019




Dear Sir,

I was going to say Dear trick...I cringe at that word, Still to this day. I was gonna say Dear John but I have met some great guys who are named John and I don't think its fair to label them as sex buyers. I kinda want you to pay attention to the word trick though .. before I start the rest of my letter. In a way, I hope that the term trick makes you feel what its meant too, kinda stupid...kinda dirty...kinda...tricked. See the reason the game calls a sex buyer a trick is because we trick you. Trick you into thinking we like you, trick you into thinking we like having sex with you or being around you, trick you about the details of our life, trick you out of all your money. Does it feel degrading yet? Because I can't speak for any one else but when ever you called me for that $100 special, pulled over to ask me how much, or wrote me a text askin for a discount on my body, that's exactly how I felt. Degraded. Worthless. Like a piece of meat -- Which in all honesty sometimes I felt like a man appreciates and values his slab of steak more than he did my body and the fact I was a human being. Nobody ever deserves to feel that way

I need to get something off my chest once and for all. I know you thought this would be a letter of me telling you how horrible you are, how much you should rot in hell for paying for me like a piece of clothing in the department store, or how you have ruined my life. But this is none of that. This is a letter of apology and encouragement and thankfulness.

First my apology. I apologize for calling you a trick and for doing everything I could to take every penny from you knowing I had no good intentions. I apologize for stealing your watch, snatching your credit card when you weren't paying attention, and promising you sex when I knew I had no intention of it but still allowed you to spend all your money on me. I apologize for not remembering your name, and looking at you as a Tom, Dick or Harry and never even recognizing that you were a person behind the purchase. I apologize for not caring about your family at home, or what it might do to your wife if she found out about us. I apologize for not thinking outside of myself to think what this would do to your kids or your career. I apologize for taking shots of water while I allowed you to think they were vodka as you got so drunk you blacked out so I could take all you had and leave with it for you to never even know what happened. I apologize for talking about you in ways that dehumanized you and made you feel worthless. I apologize for taking advantage of your addictions and fantasies in unhealthy ways for my benefit. I apologize for breaking you down, the way I was being broke down, see what I realize is I was being abusive, I was being manipulative, I was being a horrible human being and justifying it by saying you were the demon for purchasing me and being stupid enough to fall for my tricks. I justified my actions by blaming someone else for forcing me to do things, when in actuality in some form or fashion I always have a choice I just chose to take the easier way out. I apologize for treating you as less than human while screaming and crying that I wanted to be treated as human. From the bottom of my heart I apologize for the things I can remember, the things I don't know came as a result of me allowing you in my life in this way and for the things that will come as a result of it.

Second, my encouragement. Sir, whoever you are, I need you to remember that you don't deserve to find satisfaction in this false way. You sir, deserve love. You deserve intimacy, safety, authenticity, joy, freedom. You deserve all the things I deserve. You are more valuable and worthy than having to pay someone to pretend to like you and wanna touch you. God made you special, God made someone for you. And sir, if you have an issue and desires sexually that you feel shameful about, and feel you have to keep inside I guarantee you, you aren't the only one. I encourage you to be bold, be brave and demand and create spaces to heal and be safe to talk about these things. You deserve to live in freedom, you deserve marriage, and true love. You are better than just a half hour special or a single night rendezvous. You deserve genuine & pure attention. Please remember your value and think twice before you give yourself away to a simple, momentary urge and desire. Think long term, think outside of your money, outside of your desires. Think about joy and love. You deserve that.

Lastly, my thankfulness. I can't lie, men like you had made me hate all men for a long time. I lost trust and gained hate. I became so dark, sometimes even homicidal. But then, out of growth I had to find forgiveness, thankfulness even. I thank you for teaching me the lessons you did. About self worth. About value. I thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow from our experiences together. I thank you for providing for me financially in a time when I was down and out when I otherwise probably wouldn't have had another way to feed myself at that time or pay for shelter. I thank you for keeping some kind of humanity in our conversation when we did engage in them. For pretending at the least, that you cared about what I had to say. I thank you for those of you that respected my rules and boundaries and didn't harm, steal or mistreat me in our time together. I thank you for not calling the police on me, I thank you for not telling the hotel what I was doing which would have led them to kick me out which would have made my life much harder at that time. I thank you for reminding me how to love myself and helping me realize how much I didn't want to only be a price tag or valued by my body or sexual skills. I thank you for planting a seed that would flourish later in my heart to have empathy and forgiveness and remind me that you are human too.

I hope and pray that this letter reaches you, teaches you, and helps you. Know that I may not know exactly who you are, but I pray for you always. Pray for your mind, your body and your soul and spirit. I thank you for being a part of my journey because without you I wouldn't be who I am today. I pray you find your passions, your purpose, your morals, your soul, your spirit, you ability to love and be loved and I pray most of all you are blessed with the opportunity to love yourself the way God has allowed me to love myself.

Many blessings and in full sincerity,

Me

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