Updated: Aug 31, 2019
I was going to say Dear trick...I cringe at that word, Still to this day. I was gonna say Dear John but I have met some great guys who are named John and I don't think its fair to label them as sex buyers. I kinda want you to pay attention to the word trick though .. before I start the rest of my letter. In a way, I hope that the term trick makes you feel what its meant too, kinda stupid...kinda dirty...kinda...tricked. See the reason the game calls a sex buyer a trick is because we trick you. Trick you into thinking we like you, trick you into thinking we like having sex with you or being around you, trick you about the details of our life, trick you out of all your money. Does it feel degrading yet? Because I can't speak for any one else but when ever you called me for that $100 special, pulled over to ask me how much, or wrote me a text askin for a discount on my body, that's exactly how I felt. Degraded. Worthless. Like a piece of meat -- Which in all honesty sometimes I felt like a man appreciates and values his slab of steak more than he did my body and the fact I was a human being. Nobody ever deserves to feel that way
I need to get something off my chest once and for all. I know you thought this would be a letter of me telling you how horrible you are, how much you should rot in hell for paying for me like a piece of clothing in the department store, or how you have ruined my life. But this is none of that. This is a letter of apology and encouragement and thankfulness.
First my apology. I apologize for calling you a trick and for doing everything I could to take every penny from you knowing I had no good intentions. I apologize for stealing your watch, snatching your credit card when you weren't paying attention, and promising you sex when I knew I had no intention of it but still allowed you to spend all your money on me. I apologize for not remembering your name, and looking at you as a Tom, Dick or Harry and never even recognizing that you were a person behind the purchase. I apologize for not caring about your family at home, or what it might do to your wife if she found out about us. I apologize for not thinking outside of myself to think what this would do to your kids or your career. I apologize for taking shots of water while I allowed you to think they were vodka as you got so drunk you blacked out so I could take all you had and leave with it for you to never even know what happened. I apologize for talking about you in ways that dehumanized you and made you feel worthless. I apologize for taking advantage of your addictions and fantasies in unhealthy ways for my benefit. I apologize for breaking you down, the way I was being broke down, see what I realize is I was being abusive, I was being manipulative, I was being a horrible human being and justifying it by saying you were the demon for purchasing me and being stupid enough to fall for my tricks. I justified my actions by blaming someone else for forcing me to do things, when in actuality in some form or fashion I always have a choice I just chose to take the easier way out. I apologize for treating you as less than human while screaming and crying that I wanted to be treated as human. From the bottom of my heart I apologize for the things I can remember, the things I don't know came as a result of me allowing you in my life in this way and for the things that will come as a result of it.
Second, my encouragement. Sir, whoever you are, I need you to remember that you don't deserve to find satisfaction in this false way. You sir, deserve love. You deserve intimacy, safety, authenticity, joy, freedom. You deserve all the things I deserve. You are more valuable and worthy than having to pay someone to pretend to like you and wanna touch you. God made you special, God made someone for you. And sir, if you have an issue and desires sexually that you feel shameful about, and feel you have to keep inside I guarantee you, you aren't the only one. I encourage you to be bold, be brave and demand and create spaces to heal and be safe to talk about these things. You deserve to live in freedom, you deserve marriage, and true love. You are better than just a half hour special or a single night rendezvous. You deserve genuine & pure attention. Please remember your value and think twice before you give yourself away to a simple, momentary urge and desire. Think long term, think outside of your money, outside of your desires. Think about joy and love. You deserve that.
Lastly, my thankfulness. I can't lie, men like you had made me hate all men for a long time. I lost trust and gained hate. I became so dark, sometimes even homicidal. But then, out of growth I had to find forgiveness, thankfulness even. I thank you for teaching me the lessons you did. About self worth. About value. I thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow from our experiences together. I thank you for providing for me financially in a time when I was down and out when I otherwise probably wouldn't have had another way to feed myself at that time or pay for shelter. I thank you for keeping some kind of humanity in our conversation when we did engage in them. For pretending at the least, that you cared about what I had to say. I thank you for those of you that respected my rules and boundaries and didn't harm, steal or mistreat me in our time together. I thank you for not calling the police on me, I thank you for not telling the hotel what I was doing which would have led them to kick me out which would have made my life much harder at that time. I thank you for reminding me how to love myself and helping me realize how much I didn't want to only be a price tag or valued by my body or sexual skills. I thank you for planting a seed that would flourish later in my heart to have empathy and forgiveness and remind me that you are human too.
I hope and pray that this letter reaches you, teaches you, and helps you. Know that I may not know exactly who you are, but I pray for you always. Pray for your mind, your body and your soul and spirit. I thank you for being a part of my journey because without you I wouldn't be who I am today. I pray you find your passions, your purpose, your morals, your soul, your spirit, you ability to love and be loved and I pray most of all you are blessed with the opportunity to love yourself the way God has allowed me to love myself.
Many blessings and in full sincerity,