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I Loved Him...



People used to always tell me — JUST LEAVE. Everyone always was trying to tell me how horrible my pimp was —- how he needed to rot in hell. How he needed to die. And I won’t lie — there was a point in my experience — actually a few — that I agreed. I hated him — but loved him at the same time. I condemned him ... I talked badly about him and the horrible things he did or ways he treated me — and I allowed myself to justify the fact that I had done almost the exact same things to other women and girls on the fact I was traumatized or being “forced” when in actuality ... I was not Much different than him.


As obvious as it may seem that he didn’t love me ... in my eyes I knew different. It may have not been loved based on what other normal view of love was ... but for someone who has a twisted and misconstrued view of love from a very young age ... In my world ... we were in love. I would do anything for him ... I had loyalty to him. I had trust in him. I had a friend in him. I laughed with him. I fought with him but I also fought for him. I had his back. I have him everything in me I possibly had. I had faith in him, in our future. To me — it felt like love. And although we had our bad times .. although there was abuse and it wasn’t a traditional relationship — he protected me. He gave me advice. He listened to me. He took care of me. He taught me things. He cared about me to the best of his ability in my

Mind. To me — it was love. From the outside it seems crazy ... but in our lifestyle , in our world — it made sense. So when people said , JUST LEAVE. They weren’t only not thinking of all the obstacles I would face when trying to transition my life —- they also didn’t realize they were asking me to leave a man I depended on greatly, a man I had became co dependent on, a man I had given so much too that I couldn’t see myself living without him. They didn’t understand the trauma bond I had developed, they didn’t understand even a small inkling of the many aspects this life contained.


On top of that, I felt I was damaged goods. Who would love a ho besides a pimp. Who would want me after all the things I had done? Who would understand, who would care about my well being? Who would love me? Why would I wanna start over with anyone who would judge me or leave me once they found out who I was?


People have to think ... often times people who get into the game .. do it because they are seeking something. There’s a vulnerability that exists .. there’s some type of void they need filled whether it be physical, emotional, financial or mental. So when someone comes into your life, especially in a vulnerable time, and offers to fill those voids...most normal human beings would easily fall into a relationship with that person and become attached.


Not to mention , often times those who get into the game have already experienced many traumas already so when a new opportunity comes along as well as someone to make them feel loved and accepted ... the act of sex for money doesn’t seem like the worst option when it’s in exchange for needs being met, a relationship,love, protection, companionship and loyalty.


We can’t expect others minds or perspectives to be the same as ours. We can’t expect people to think what we think is acceptable is acceptable to them and what’s unacceptable to us is unacceptable to them. We are unique individuals all with a diverse spectrum of experience, needs, perspectives, traumas and desires. For us to tell someone what they should be doing or shouldn’t be doing without ever stepping a moment in their shoes, is a huge reason issues like exploitation continue.


Nothing or no one could have convinced me to leave a person I felt loyalty and love too. I had to get to a place that I wasn’t happy within myself, I had to understand that what was going on wasn’t the love I desired. I had to want to be in a different situation for myself, not for anyone else.


My point being, talking badly about someone’s partner ... boyfriend, husband, pimp, wife, abuser, trafficker, whatever you wanna call it .. won’t ever get you anywhere. The focus should never be on how bad the other person is. The focus should always be on the individual you are trying to support and opening up hope for other opportunities.


-Jaimee


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