July 8th – That’s the last time I opened my word documents to type up a blog. Why? Because I have not been myself. At all. And so, I want to talk about the darker days, because I know if I am going through them, others are too. The last four weeks have been a combination of depressing, thought provoking, and harsh emotional ups and downs. But is there any point in me talking about the drama, negativity and problems I am facing? I sat with this question the last 4 weeks.
You see, I am the type of person who admits when I am in a bad space, but also will literally address it for 10 minutes at most, then say I am okay, thank the person who listened to me for listening, and convince myself I am okay. Well, that didn’t work this time. This time, I was forced to sit in my emotions. This time I was forced to analyze why my patterns continue to surface. This time I was forced to cry and feel the pain. This time I was forced to face myself. And that’s exactly what I did, and as much as I hated it, as much as I loathed these last 4 weeks and the ups and downs and highs and lows--- mostly lows. As much as I was screaming and kicking through it to fight my way out and just feel better already, I am thankful that it worked out the exact way it did.
Through these last 4 weeks I regressed as much as possible without throwing myself into complete rock bottom. By that, what I mean is, every unhealthy coping skill I have, I took part in. This includes everything from isolating, taking a mental health leave from work, involving myself in unhealthy relationships that I know are toxic for me, hiding things, regrettably even relapse. But there was one thing I didn’t do-- I didn’t run. And it wasn’t until yesterday I really paid attention and applauded myself for that because by not running, I was able to get through the storm. Normally, I get so scared or frustrated by the storm I run and end up running right into a new storm, I rarely ever sit and wait for the rain to settle and the thunder to stop and see how close I was to the sunshine. Its kind of like that picture if you have seen it floating around the internet, its two different men in two different tunnels and one man is literally inches away from hitting gold but is so frustrated with digging, he doesn’t know that he literally was seconds away from hitting the treasure, while the other man continues on and keeps at it and his next stroke is gold.
Today I feel like that man who hit gold. Now, don’t get me wrong. Everything is not magically better today, I still hurt, I still feel like I may cry at any given moment and I still have a lot of unanswered questions in my head. BUT, today I feel a sense of pride and hope. I feel like I have been given a burst of hope and power in the fact I have overcome a huge hurdle which is not running away when every thought I have is to do just that.
The craziest part about growth for me personally, is the unfailing outcome once the storm settles. You see, in my trauma (which was majority of my 20's) I could never see the light at the end of the tunnel. Every crisis felt like "This is it, this is what's going to kill me or throw me over the edge and get me in prison or the crazy house." My ability to see the value in struggle and difficult times was non existent. And to me that is the real beauty in all of this, with maturity, support and growth I have been able to not only start to identify when I am going into a dark place, but also get through it with complete faith in the fact I KNOW through experience, there is a lesson and value that I will gain coming out of this.
I think what I am trying to get at is this - the struggle never goes away. The trials never subside and things don't ever magically get better, BUT the way we grow through it can in deed change and give us that strength we need to power through and come out on the other end.
Its now 8/11/2019 .. It has taken me three days to finish this blog because I am so nervous about outing myself, so nervous about admitting I fell back into old habits. The enemy was doing his job by making me feel shame and guilt, which led me into a huge trigger where I literally felt every emotion I felt in my early 20's, which involved continual crisis and lack of control.
Once I was able to step back, (with support of some wonderful people I am blessed to have in my life) I took a breath of God and exhaled the enemies lies. In that moment I reminded myself I am not who I was and the enemy doesn’t get to own my mind or heart or body any longer. Now, I know this is no easy task. It is difficult as fuck to recognize the moment we are in NOW vs living in the future or past. It is difficult as fuck to not be held down by the negative and the lies we have been told and that have been ingrained in our minds for so long. Rewiring is difficult, changing habits and thinking patterns is difficult. Breaking cycles and patterns is difficult. The unknown is difficult, but one thing I know about myself, and you, is that one thing we CAN DO --- is difficult.
So I decided to take my power back and remind myself that there is power in my truth. There is power in my sharing of my imperfections and faults. There is power in being vulnerable and transparent. And as I have said before, to me -- If I can help ONE person understand they are not alone and that there is hope in their struggle its worth a thousand critics because frankly my mission and my purpose is not for those thousand, it is for that ONE, and your story and truth can be too!
Though it took me 3 days to decide, I am putting out on the world wide web things that can possibly discredit my character, harm my reputation and maybe even cause me issues in the courts later. But I am led now by God and not the enemy.
If you are struggling, know that I am too. If you are hurting, know that I feel your pain. If you are falling back into old patterns, know its okay and you haven't failed. If you have slipped up, know that you can always get up. And if you feel alone, know that you never really are.
You are loved, You are strong, You are valuable. You are Priceless. You are a Queen. And you are perfectly and wonderfully made in Gods image no matter what.
Love and Light- Jaimee